Unspeakable Sadness and Food For Thought

By Deborah L. Kunesh
Copyright 2009 by Deborah L. Kunesh




As the news channels announce Tuesday's Michael Jackson memorial service, adding that it is a chance for fans to say goodbye to Michael, it strikes me funny as I fight back an overwhelming sense of sadness and tears and a still persistent sense of disbelief that is slowly turning into realization and dreaded reality. I am not sure I am ready to say goodbye.

It may seem odd to many that I feel this strongly about the loss of someone that I never met or knew. It surprises me as well. I am taken aback by the intensity of what I feel. I had never expected to feel the strength of emotion I am feeling over a celebrity's passing.

But the truth is, though I did not personally know Michael, I saw pieces of myself in him. As a writer, I pull from the outside world and also what is deep within my heart and soul and I take that collaboration and share it with others via the written word. It's exhilerating and frightening all at the same time to be that transparent.

In Michael Jackson, I could relate. I saw a gentle soul who just wanted acceptance, to make a difference and to do good. Someone who dared to show the world and share with the world who he was despite the misunderstandings that would eminate from that honesty and transparency.

A world, who quite possibly, wasn't ready for him in some ways. We appreciated and enjoyed his creative, musical genius, but we forgot to really try to get to know his person and who he really was. Through his music and humanitarianism he shared a lot of who he was, but we forgot to look deeper. We forgot to allow him to come down from the pedestal we put him on, and take the time to really get to know the person beyond the celebrity.

Fear, a desire to seek approval, a sensitive soul, someone who was creative and had a need to share his heart and soul through his creative spirit, with the world. I relate to that in so many ways. Someone who strived to do good and make a difference in this world and it seems, many times felt that his efforts weren't appreciated or were misunderstood and felt a sense of defeat at some of the good he tried to do, being overtaken and overshadowed by ignorance and slanderous rumors.

Another very important part of the equation for me is that Michael Jackson, in many ways, has been the soundtrack of my life.

When I was a young child on my way to the hospital for yet another hospitalization, test or surgery and at one point, going in for a surgery where I wasn't sure if one of my kidneys was going to be removed....there he was. The Jackson Five was playing on the car radio. Songs like "I"ll Be There" take me right back to that time. I can almost feel, see, smell and hear everything on that car ride when I hear Michael crooning that song, even now. Those songs strangely comforted me as I sat scared to my core in that car with my Mom and Dad driving me to the hospital, so young and unsure of what might happen next.

Every time I hear those songs, the emotions and bittersweet memories of those days come flooding back. My youth, the angst of being a young child battling health problems that seemed like giant monsters to me at the time. The joy of that music made me feel as if there was hope around the corner. Michael's voice soothed some of that fear. It was a familiar, comforting mainstay.

His music too, was there for me through the turbulent teen years where, like most teens, I was trying to find my own identity. He was still there with me through the young adult years as well with songs like "Beat It," "Billie Jean," "Thriller" and so many others that seem to define that time in my life.

Though I had always been physical, my interest in dance was growing and his dancing was phenomenal and inspired me to dance. That inspiration still stands today as even now, at 42 years of age, I realize that if I put my mind to it and really work and allow the sweat to bead above my brow, that I can learn and improve. I am no longer afraid to try. I have once again found myself grasping for the passion of the dance, determined to learn the moves and techniques with a newfound determination.

His music, his dance and the person I dared to see beneath the celebrity, inspired my choice of career (becoming an entertainment writer who interviews celebrities and artists). I had always felt that Michael would be the ultimate interview. It would have been a career and personal dream come true to have had the opportunity to interview him. And the chance to have been able to dance with him? That would have been amazing. Though I am nowhere near good enough, that would be an amazing experience.

Then, there is the part of me that is downright angry. Angry at people who were fortunate enough to receive free tickets for his memorial service thanks to his family, who are now turning around and selling them for thousands of dollars on Ebay. Those who are doing that have turned a memorial and celebration of his life and sadness over his death, into a circus.

As I sat and watched recent programs and an interview with his lawyer from the court case, I was saddened further by his and others' descriptions of how much of a toll the trial and the charges had taken on him, with his lawyer admitting that Michael broke down and sobbed when they were alone together, his childlike view of the world forever altered and his finances near drained from all of it. He was truly afraid of what would happen to him and especially to his children, and he didn't understand how he could be so betrayed. When I heard that, I started to cry myself as I imagined the pain he must have felt deep within his soul at that time. I could almost put myself there, in that room, and feel what he must have been feeling and it was awful.

You could see throughout that trial, how frail and gaunt he became. It was as if his very soul was torn apart. Being as sensitive of a person as others say he was, I can see how that type of betrayal would have that affect. I can understand those feelings of becoming so distraught that you become ill. For him, the childhood he created for himself and all of the good he tried to do in bringing happiness and joy to others and especially to sick and underpriveledged children through Neverland, had now become something sick and twisted in the eyes of the media and the public who scrutinized him. Neverland was shut down. The one place he created for himself where, according to his brother Jermaine, he felt joy and peace, was now also being taken away from him, stripped of it's innocence, much like his own childhood was. Though he tried to give everything of himself, he was still losing.

It may sound strange, but I feel I've in some ways lost a brother, a friend, a fellow sensitive, creative soul.

Some may not understand, but being sensitive myself and having a creative bent, I do feel the sense of pain and joy I imagine he felt. I come nowhere close to the creative genius he possessed, but I can to some degree, understand how it feels to be sensitive and to want to make a difference and at times, to feel as if you are giving so much of yourself, and allowing yourself to be so transparent and in doing so, risking so much, and you don't see the direct effects and wonder if it's making any difference at all.

I honestly feel pain and feel like crying myself when I think of him sobbing on his lawyer's shoulder in absolute fear over what I believe were false accusations. There was something about him that although a brilliant creative and musical genius, he appeared to still be very much a child at heart. When I think of that childlike personality, it saddens me deeply to think of him being so distrought over these accusations and so beside himself. Like a child whose pain was unbearable, it gives one the feeling of wishing that you could comfort and reassure.

I can imagine that fear and sadness one might feel when the world doesn't make sense anymore and when you feel so inherintly betrayed. I think we've all felt that.

I feel sadness over a world that seems bent on being so cruel and always looking for the dirt, rather than opening up and showing a true, caring love and acceptance.

I feel like crying when I think of how, apparently, he never truly felt accepted, despite his accomplishments, and according to some who knew him, the past abuse and verbal put downs about his appearance he carried with him his entire life, despite the level of pivotal success he achieved and despite the amazing, gifted individual he was. It is definitely food for thought. Our words can hurt and damage forever.

I celebrate his music, his life, his legacy. I celebrate the kind of person that he was and that all who knew him say time and time again. The sense of fun and childlike curiosity he had that I think we all could do well with having a bit more of in our day to day lives.

Eyes don't lie. I have in various interviews with him or in announcements he made about the accusations, carefully looked into his eyes while he was speaking and what I saw was kindness, compassion, disbelief over what he was being accused of. I could see his sincerity in what he was saying. It was all in his eyes and his demeanor. I honestly felt with all of my heart that he was telling the truth.

I think if more of us spent time looking into others eyes and really seeing them for who they are, looking into someone's soul, and appreciating each person where they are at, and not judging, this world would be a much better place. We are all way too quick to judge and condemn. If we would seek first to understand and to look deeper, it would become quickly apparent where truth lies.

I would feel that for anyone and that's the point. He was a fellow human being. My heart cries out for the loss of a person who, from all I can tell from listening to those who knew him and from what I saw in his accomplishments, truly gave of himself in hopes of making a change and who achieved that in many ways. The loss of someone I believe in my heart was a gentle, amazingly gifted soul with the heart of a child, that the world, in many ways, beat up and abused. Someone who was maybe so gentle and so giving, that the world couldn't quite handle him and didn't know quite what to do with him. The world can be an ugly, dog eat dog place sometimes and when someone comes across as gentle spirited, that person many times is treated cruelly and the manhunt goes on to find the dirt. We don't want nice, we seek out evil many times instead.

He seemingly gave so much of himself, and put himself out there, only to be betrayed. When he was up, we all wanted to be right up there with him. As soon as any obstacle threatened to stand in the way, we all took up our torches, formed a mob and proceeded to attack and criticize without knowing the truth. We forgot to look into his eyes. We forgot to see the person there...the person with insecurities and feelings just like the rest of us. The person who, in his eyes and demeanor, showed a deep pain and betrayal with what was being said about him and whose eyes showed the truth if we would have been willing to look there instead of at the sensationalized stories being circulated and the accusations being flung around.

As I watch the video shown many times of his last practice, the music and intensity of that short clip gets to me every time. I see someone who appeared at least, to be strong and on his game. Someone who seemed excited about what he was about to undertake. That performance will be something that sticks in my mind for a long time. It symbolizes for me, the potential that was lost all too soon.

I know that even in his death, there are rumors and speculation. About how he died, about his fears of dying soon, about his drug use and about how he hid how ill he truly was. Though we may never know the full truth, it comes down to the fact that there has been an amazing loss. Even the one photo that they continue to show of him lying in a stretcher with a tube down his throat seems so surreal and yet, so incredibly sad.

Each time we lose someone, we lose a part of what makes the world, and humanity, what it is. When we lose someone trying to do good and someone with such a seemingly gentle soul, the loss feels even sadder and more overwhelming.

Some comment on how people die every day and don't get this kind of recognition. I do understand that, though I mourn inside each time I hear of someone's passing, be they a celebrity, a soldier or someone whose name was known only among their closest family and friends. I just feel that for those in the limelight, because they are known of by so many, the interest in their life and death is much greater.

So, in being completely transparent and honest, I am saddened, deeply, by the loss of Michael Jackson.

How do you say goodbye to someone whose music has affected nearly every decade of your life and who you saw parts of yourself in? How do you say goodbye to someone whose gentle spirit and creative genius, though you didn't know personally, you will miss tremendously it's impact? How do you let that part of yourself and your life, go?

I am just not sure I am ready to say goodbye and I am not quite sure, just how to.