Unspeakable Sadness and Food For Thought

By Deborah L. Kunesh
Copyright 2009 by Deborah L. Kunesh




As the news channels announce Tuesday's Michael Jackson memorial service, adding that it is a chance for fans to say goodbye to Michael, it strikes me funny as I fight back an overwhelming sense of sadness and tears and a still persistent sense of disbelief that is slowly turning into realization and dreaded reality. I am not sure I am ready to say goodbye.

It may seem odd to many that I feel this strongly about the loss of someone that I never met or knew. It surprises me as well. I am taken aback by the intensity of what I feel. I had never expected to feel the strength of emotion I am feeling over a celebrity's passing.

But the truth is, though I did not personally know Michael, I saw pieces of myself in him. As a writer, I pull from the outside world and also what is deep within my heart and soul and I take that collaboration and share it with others via the written word. It's exhilerating and frightening all at the same time to be that transparent.

In Michael Jackson, I could relate. I saw a gentle soul who just wanted acceptance, to make a difference and to do good. Someone who dared to show the world and share with the world who he was despite the misunderstandings that would eminate from that honesty and transparency.

A world, who quite possibly, wasn't ready for him in some ways. We appreciated and enjoyed his creative, musical genius, but we forgot to really try to get to know his person and who he really was. Through his music and humanitarianism he shared a lot of who he was, but we forgot to look deeper. We forgot to allow him to come down from the pedestal we put him on, and take the time to really get to know the person beyond the celebrity.

Fear, a desire to seek approval, a sensitive soul, someone who was creative and had a need to share his heart and soul through his creative spirit, with the world. I relate to that in so many ways. Someone who strived to do good and make a difference in this world and it seems, many times felt that his efforts weren't appreciated or were misunderstood and felt a sense of defeat at some of the good he tried to do, being overtaken and overshadowed by ignorance and slanderous rumors.

Another very important part of the equation for me is that Michael Jackson, in many ways, has been the soundtrack of my life.

When I was a young child on my way to the hospital for yet another hospitalization, test or surgery and at one point, going in for a surgery where I wasn't sure if one of my kidneys was going to be removed....there he was. The Jackson Five was playing on the car radio. Songs like "I"ll Be There" take me right back to that time. I can almost feel, see, smell and hear everything on that car ride when I hear Michael crooning that song, even now. Those songs strangely comforted me as I sat scared to my core in that car with my Mom and Dad driving me to the hospital, so young and unsure of what might happen next.

Every time I hear those songs, the emotions and bittersweet memories of those days come flooding back. My youth, the angst of being a young child battling health problems that seemed like giant monsters to me at the time. The joy of that music made me feel as if there was hope around the corner. Michael's voice soothed some of that fear. It was a familiar, comforting mainstay.

His music too, was there for me through the turbulent teen years where, like most teens, I was trying to find my own identity. He was still there with me through the young adult years as well with songs like "Beat It," "Billie Jean," "Thriller" and so many others that seem to define that time in my life.

Though I had always been physical, my interest in dance was growing and his dancing was phenomenal and inspired me to dance. That inspiration still stands today as even now, at 42 years of age, I realize that if I put my mind to it and really work and allow the sweat to bead above my brow, that I can learn and improve. I am no longer afraid to try. I have once again found myself grasping for the passion of the dance, determined to learn the moves and techniques with a newfound determination.

His music, his dance and the person I dared to see beneath the celebrity, inspired my choice of career (becoming an entertainment writer who interviews celebrities and artists). I had always felt that Michael would be the ultimate interview. It would have been a career and personal dream come true to have had the opportunity to interview him. And the chance to have been able to dance with him? That would have been amazing. Though I am nowhere near good enough, that would be an amazing experience.

Then, there is the part of me that is downright angry. Angry at people who were fortunate enough to receive free tickets for his memorial service thanks to his family, who are now turning around and selling them for thousands of dollars on Ebay. Those who are doing that have turned a memorial and celebration of his life and sadness over his death, into a circus.

As I sat and watched recent programs and an interview with his lawyer from the court case, I was saddened further by his and others' descriptions of how much of a toll the trial and the charges had taken on him, with his lawyer admitting that Michael broke down and sobbed when they were alone together, his childlike view of the world forever altered and his finances near drained from all of it. He was truly afraid of what would happen to him and especially to his children, and he didn't understand how he could be so betrayed. When I heard that, I started to cry myself as I imagined the pain he must have felt deep within his soul at that time. I could almost put myself there, in that room, and feel what he must have been feeling and it was awful.

You could see throughout that trial, how frail and gaunt he became. It was as if his very soul was torn apart. Being as sensitive of a person as others say he was, I can see how that type of betrayal would have that affect. I can understand those feelings of becoming so distraught that you become ill. For him, the childhood he created for himself and all of the good he tried to do in bringing happiness and joy to others and especially to sick and underpriveledged children through Neverland, had now become something sick and twisted in the eyes of the media and the public who scrutinized him. Neverland was shut down. The one place he created for himself where, according to his brother Jermaine, he felt joy and peace, was now also being taken away from him, stripped of it's innocence, much like his own childhood was. Though he tried to give everything of himself, he was still losing.

It may sound strange, but I feel I've in some ways lost a brother, a friend, a fellow sensitive, creative soul.

Some may not understand, but being sensitive myself and having a creative bent, I do feel the sense of pain and joy I imagine he felt. I come nowhere close to the creative genius he possessed, but I can to some degree, understand how it feels to be sensitive and to want to make a difference and at times, to feel as if you are giving so much of yourself, and allowing yourself to be so transparent and in doing so, risking so much, and you don't see the direct effects and wonder if it's making any difference at all.

I honestly feel pain and feel like crying myself when I think of him sobbing on his lawyer's shoulder in absolute fear over what I believe were false accusations. There was something about him that although a brilliant creative and musical genius, he appeared to still be very much a child at heart. When I think of that childlike personality, it saddens me deeply to think of him being so distrought over these accusations and so beside himself. Like a child whose pain was unbearable, it gives one the feeling of wishing that you could comfort and reassure.

I can imagine that fear and sadness one might feel when the world doesn't make sense anymore and when you feel so inherintly betrayed. I think we've all felt that.

I feel sadness over a world that seems bent on being so cruel and always looking for the dirt, rather than opening up and showing a true, caring love and acceptance.

I feel like crying when I think of how, apparently, he never truly felt accepted, despite his accomplishments, and according to some who knew him, the past abuse and verbal put downs about his appearance he carried with him his entire life, despite the level of pivotal success he achieved and despite the amazing, gifted individual he was. It is definitely food for thought. Our words can hurt and damage forever.

I celebrate his music, his life, his legacy. I celebrate the kind of person that he was and that all who knew him say time and time again. The sense of fun and childlike curiosity he had that I think we all could do well with having a bit more of in our day to day lives.

Eyes don't lie. I have in various interviews with him or in announcements he made about the accusations, carefully looked into his eyes while he was speaking and what I saw was kindness, compassion, disbelief over what he was being accused of. I could see his sincerity in what he was saying. It was all in his eyes and his demeanor. I honestly felt with all of my heart that he was telling the truth.

I think if more of us spent time looking into others eyes and really seeing them for who they are, looking into someone's soul, and appreciating each person where they are at, and not judging, this world would be a much better place. We are all way too quick to judge and condemn. If we would seek first to understand and to look deeper, it would become quickly apparent where truth lies.

I would feel that for anyone and that's the point. He was a fellow human being. My heart cries out for the loss of a person who, from all I can tell from listening to those who knew him and from what I saw in his accomplishments, truly gave of himself in hopes of making a change and who achieved that in many ways. The loss of someone I believe in my heart was a gentle, amazingly gifted soul with the heart of a child, that the world, in many ways, beat up and abused. Someone who was maybe so gentle and so giving, that the world couldn't quite handle him and didn't know quite what to do with him. The world can be an ugly, dog eat dog place sometimes and when someone comes across as gentle spirited, that person many times is treated cruelly and the manhunt goes on to find the dirt. We don't want nice, we seek out evil many times instead.

He seemingly gave so much of himself, and put himself out there, only to be betrayed. When he was up, we all wanted to be right up there with him. As soon as any obstacle threatened to stand in the way, we all took up our torches, formed a mob and proceeded to attack and criticize without knowing the truth. We forgot to look into his eyes. We forgot to see the person there...the person with insecurities and feelings just like the rest of us. The person who, in his eyes and demeanor, showed a deep pain and betrayal with what was being said about him and whose eyes showed the truth if we would have been willing to look there instead of at the sensationalized stories being circulated and the accusations being flung around.

As I watch the video shown many times of his last practice, the music and intensity of that short clip gets to me every time. I see someone who appeared at least, to be strong and on his game. Someone who seemed excited about what he was about to undertake. That performance will be something that sticks in my mind for a long time. It symbolizes for me, the potential that was lost all too soon.

I know that even in his death, there are rumors and speculation. About how he died, about his fears of dying soon, about his drug use and about how he hid how ill he truly was. Though we may never know the full truth, it comes down to the fact that there has been an amazing loss. Even the one photo that they continue to show of him lying in a stretcher with a tube down his throat seems so surreal and yet, so incredibly sad.

Each time we lose someone, we lose a part of what makes the world, and humanity, what it is. When we lose someone trying to do good and someone with such a seemingly gentle soul, the loss feels even sadder and more overwhelming.

Some comment on how people die every day and don't get this kind of recognition. I do understand that, though I mourn inside each time I hear of someone's passing, be they a celebrity, a soldier or someone whose name was known only among their closest family and friends. I just feel that for those in the limelight, because they are known of by so many, the interest in their life and death is much greater.

So, in being completely transparent and honest, I am saddened, deeply, by the loss of Michael Jackson.

How do you say goodbye to someone whose music has affected nearly every decade of your life and who you saw parts of yourself in? How do you say goodbye to someone whose gentle spirit and creative genius, though you didn't know personally, you will miss tremendously it's impact? How do you let that part of yourself and your life, go?

I am just not sure I am ready to say goodbye and I am not quite sure, just how to.

A Voice Silenced Forever: End of an Era
Thoughts on Michael Jackson, Fame, Loss and Finding Truth

By Deborah L. Kunesh
Copyright 2009 by Deborah L. Kunesh

A voice silenced forever. Gyrating dance moves and light-as-air footwork from feet that will no longer dance on this planet. A gifted artist whose music, smooth dance moves and talent changed the world, and yet whose personal life seemed tortured by constant, un-relenting media attention and public scrutiny.

Like so many others, I was mesmerized by Michael Jackson when he first hit it really big. The music was brilliant and made you want to get up and dance. And the dancing! Wow! The dancer in me longed to move like Michael Jackson. He moved in a way that was almost effortless and which seemed to convey a joy that came from deep within his soul. His dance style was unmistakably him. His singing was much the same. Pure joy brought to the surface, and emotion that came alive in animated facial expressions and flailing body parts that exhibited both control and freedom simultaneously. It was art and drama in timeless motion.

It was his eccentricity and talent that, in addition to growing up in a musical family with a Dad who is a musician, made me want to pursue some type of career in entertainment. Though as a child I had always wanted to sing, dance and act, as I grew, I realized that the gift I was given was in being able to write. Michael Jackson and the influence that music had on me, made me want to find out what makes performers tick. Something about his presence and uniqueness made me first start to explore this as a possible career path. I found the eccentric tendencies intriguing. I saw him not as crazy, but as endearing. A child in a man’s body trying to make sense of a world that didn’t make sense. A gifted person who having never really experienced a childhood, according to his own words, tried to capture that sense of childhood as an adult in some ways, despite the criticism. He was the first artist that sparked this desire within me. I wanted to know what inspired them, what motivated them. I wanted to truly know and bring out the person, the human being, not the celebrity. It became the driving force of my decision to pursue entertainment writing, though I didn’t realize it at the time.

I also felt that in some ways, that I shared a kinship with them. Somewhere, deep within my soul, is the heart of a performer. Someone who understands that need and that drive to share with others your deepest feelings and what’s in your soul in a creative way. I understand that need and I know how it feels to risk everything when you put yourself, your heart and your soul out there for others to see, when some of your deepest thoughts and feelings are exposed and transparent. It’s not necessarily a decision, though you can certainly decide not to, but rather, it’s more like a feeling of necessity of having to do so. Though I am grateful for the gift, it is one of the scariest, toughest, and yet, most necessary, things that I do.

I have always felt that my ability to relate to others in this field comes from that shared drive and my suspicions were confirmed each time those I interviewed expressed having enjoyed the interview, which, for most artists, interviews are something they don’t look forward to. Or the time that I was interviewing a prominent artist and my question comprised of a detailed description of my take on what his song meant and he was shocked and surprised that I had explained back to him the exact meaning he had tried to express through those lyrics.

For those who don’t have this drive to emotionally bare your soul, consider yourselves in some ways, fortunate. Because it’s not an easy road. By being so open with your heart and soul, you can easily become a target for ridicule and can end up feeling exposed. Each time I put my heart and soul out there, it’s uncomfortable and yet, it’s necessary for me. It’s something I’ve been given to do. So, maybe more so than others at times, I understand a little bit more deeply what it feels like to be judged for what lies on your heart and soul and your sharing of that, and my experience is just barely a feather’s stroke of what people in positions of celebrity, experience on a daily basis.

When I first heard of Michael Jackson’s passing, like most others who heard this grim news, I was in a state of shock. Saddened and in disbelief. I felt in many ways, as if a very important part of my growing up years and things that had led me to the point I’m at now, had died along with him. It was the sudden end of an era.

I imagine it’s similar to what people in my parents’ generation felt when Elvis passed away, though I do still remember where I was (sitting in my parents’ car driving to some destination), upon hearing the news of Elvis’ death. I remember my Mom and Dad’s shocked reaction and thoughts of disbelief. After hearing the news of MJ’s passing, for the first time I realized why some people still long and hope for Elvis’ death to be a mistake, and for him to be alive and well somewhere. There is such a huge gap left when someone so influential and who we’ve heard about and whose talent we’ve been exposed to for a good portion of our lives, is suddenly gone. For me, some of these songs remind me of very poignant times in my life. It’s hard to see that go in some ways, to feel the person who made that music is gone, though the music and artistry lives on.

Whatever you personally thought of Michael Jackson, his talent broke down barriers and brought in a whole new era of musical and creative genius. He was a true performer and dedicated to his craft. His title as “The King of Pop,” was rightfully earned. He broke records and achieved heights that other performers had yet to achieve.

The sad part for me, when I look at what little I know of Michael Jackson’s life, is the controversy, the way that the media never seemed to leave him alone and let him just “be”. The fact that so many can take what is said in the media, despite that much of what is reported at times turns out to be sensationalized, and turn it into fact in their own minds, which then turns into judgement and cruelty and a desire to share those unkind thoughts and words with others. As someone who on a very basic level understands their struggle to a point, it hurts my heart. We also have to remember that he has a family and friends who love and care about him.

I’ve heard some incredibly cruel remarks as of late. Though much of the same was directed at him while he was still living, it seems especially cruel now that he has passed.

My challenge to those remarks is this.

The media is many times all about sensationalism, and fame destroys. It’s not a natural state.

Entertainers are human beings, just like the rest of us. They choose a career, or more often, a career chooses them, that puts them, and their lives, out in the spotlight. There is little privacy. Life is lived in a fish bowl, every single thing you do is scrutinized, and everybody wants a piece of you. All because you are simply sharing who you are and were created to be.

I imagine if most of us had to live like that, we wouldn’t survive it for long and just maybe, we’d have a much better and deeper understanding and appreciation of what performers go through and why so many of them, due to this pressure and the demands of the public and the media, end up struggling with addictions and worse. No man was ever designed to be put in that high of a position. That is only reserved for God. And yet, we ourselves, the public, put them there, and then, in a dance of deception, we turn around and tear them down.

I have often questioned why as a public we feel entitled to someone simply because they share their creativity and talent with us. Why the big box called a stage, when inhabited by someone, suddenly becomes a call for us to feel as if we have rights to that person who sets upon it. Why the paparazzi feels entitled to follow and badger individuals who are simply sharing who they are and their God-given abilities, with the world. If you’re an accountant, for instance, should humanity feel entitled to you and your life and everything about you, just because of your job? When you think about it, it’s really kind of twisted.

Because we hear about them on the news, hear them on the radio, see them on television and in movies, we begin to feel that we “know” them. We listen to sensationalized media stories of “news” that proves to have no truth to it. We begin to believe what we hear and cast our judgements without ever really, truly knowing the person and without ever really knowing what happened or what didn’t. We just make up our minds that the drivel we hear so often, is “fact.” The only thing we are going by is what we have “heard”. That’s a very important thing to keep in mind and a very dangerous line of thinking. Put yourself in those same shoes. All it takes is one person making accusations and spreading rumors and lives can be destroyed. This happens on a lesser scale all of the time with school bullies.

Here’s the truth. We don’t honestly “know” them. We know “of” them. We know their music, we know what we see on television and on the news, but we don’t really know them or their lives or the real truth of what that person, and their private life, is truly like. And here’s the kicker. We should never pretend to. We wouldn’t want that done to us, and we should give that same level of consideration back to those who take the time to share their creative gifts with us and entertain us.

Many of the celebrities or artists that I’ve been able to talk with and meet, are very different from the person you see on stage, or on television. They may seem very high energy and outgoing when performing, but most are very quiet and reserved in person.

With Michael Jackson in particular, because he was especially eccentric, he became a target for constant media badgering and trash reporting. I think it’s sad that his drive to perform and share his God-given talent with the world, led to so many challenges for him and that now, in his death, so many cruel, unkind remarks are being made. A life was lost, just like any other. I think that needs to be remembered.

The most often brought up controversy is the alleged child molestation charges, of which he was cleared. Yet, to this day, people who have never met him, were not there, do not know what happened and know nothing other than what the media reported about him (many times which were false accusations), judge and condemn, without truly knowing. There was a stamp of guilty put on his head without any evidence ever proving that he did such a thing. If he was truly guilty, then that was truly awful. If he wasn’t, and I personally feel that certain things don’t add up, then it was equally tragic for the pain it caused in his life. Imagine yourself in that same situation.

Many have brought up the fact that he settled out of court in one of the cases (which, by the way, happens for many reasons, and not necessarily due to guilt. In the other trial a jury found him not guilty). Money can be a big motivator for some. Though, just like the rest of you, I don’t truly know what happened, I do think that if someone truly hurt your child in that way, that any honest, moral parent could not be paid off. They would want that person who hurt their child behind bars, kept away from other children, and justice served. No money could buy justice. That’s one of the things that makes me question the accusations.

I also look at the people that surrounded him. The people he befriended and who befriended him. Noteable, high caliber people whose careers would not bode well if they hung out with a pedophile. Some of these people have very good, wholesome reputations. These people, and there were many, insisted that he did not do it and that they had never witnessed this behavior in him and have nothing but kind things to say about him. Most of his friends say that there was nothing that he would not do for them and vice versa. These were people who spent a lot of time with him and who knew him. This kind of loyalty is usually not garnered with someone who motives are less than pure.

He was always referred to as very professional, very dedicated, a perfectionist and very kind. Many of them trusted their own children with him and some of their children went on tours with him. These are the people who truly knew him, who were close to him, and, in my opinion, were the only people who had a right to judge and have an opinion. None of us really has a right to name call or condemn because we don’t have all of the facts. Those closest to him knew him. We did not. As far as any accusations, God knows the truth and we need to leave things that God needs to deal with, up to God. I think that after all that he gave to the world, that we need to let him rest in peace and celebrate the gifts he shared with all of us. God knows the truth. P.s. none of us is god. ;-)

Last night I found myself sitting up late watching Michael Jackson videos on VH1. I have not seen his videos in a long time and the intensity hit me pretty hard. It had been a while since I saw that incredible dancing, that voice and how dedicated to his craft he was. I found myself a bit emotional as I watched. I felt a bit of a void for a world that has lost so much talent, way too young. A sense of sadness over what might end up having been a very senseless loss that could have been prevented. I felt a void and a sense of nostalgia as the music and his dance moves awoke something in me that I tend to shelve in my busy life. That desire to get up and dance and be free. To express myself creatively through movement. It awoke the dancer in me I also felt a sense of sadness over someone whose music and influence was a big part of my influential teen and early adult years, who now is so suddenly gone. It felt as if that part of my growing up years was somehow even more significant. I wanted to grab onto that past and hold it dear before it completely vanished.

I also saw all of the good he tried to do and the awareness he brought to issues that all of us need to pay attention to. Racism, media bullying, those in need who we should be helping, etc.

I also watched carefully and tried to see a little more into the person, aside from the celebrity. I saw someone whose eyes seemed to shine with kindness and whose creative expression ranged from drama to making bold statements with his music and lyrics, and sharing messages that seemed to come from deep within. At times, I saw pain beneath an ever-changing exterior, which saddens me. Someone searching for a peace that his fame had destroyed. In his earlier days, you could sense a feeling of joy and passion with his craft. In the latter days, a seemingly growing sense of discontent with fame, with the media and the target he had become.

We need to really “listen” to that and to learn to really “see”. To see past all of the garbage we hear and search deeper for truth. We need to stop being drawn in to the sensationalism that surrounds celebrities and remember that they are all just human beings too inhabiting this planet alongside us. We need to stop being so fascinated with everything they do, every little move they make. We, in many ways, are the problem! We can’t seem to stop ourselves from being fascinated with those who take the stage. That only fuels the media’s manhunt for dirt.

Most performers and people with a more creative bent, risk more emotionally on a regular basis than many people ever do or would ever be comfortable doing. I know because I do that every time I write something that is from my heart and soul, like this piece. I think that’s one of the reasons that it can be so misunderstood. Most people haven’t taken that kind of risk before and hide behind their cruel remarks and judgements because they don’t know what it feels like to risk emotionally on that level.

I've found myself dancing around the house to Michael Jackson songs the last couple of days, ever since I've watched those videos again. It's brought back a little bit of childlike freedom and joy to my life. I had forgotten how much joy and happiness was in that music!

Michael Jackson had his problems I’m sure, just like all of us do, but his struggles, unlike ours, were magnified, scrutinized and embellished. My artist’s heart feels a sense of sadness for him. Sadness over how the gift he was given to share with the world ultimately took its toll, due in part to our unquenchable desire to touch fame, which ended up fueling way more attention and ridicule on him (and other celebrities) than any one person should ever have to handle.

I've found myself dancing around the house to Michael Jackson songs since watching those videos again. It's brought back a little bit of childlike freedom and joy to my life. I had forgotten how much joy and happiness was in that music!

In Michael Jackson’s words, if you want to make the world a better place, take a look in the mirror and make a change. Decide today to stop judging others due to only what you hear and think you know, and instead, look in the mirror and make the changes in yourself. Become the change you want to see. If you begrudge the fact that entertainers earn good money, it’s time to take a look at yourself as well. They risk a lot and though it appears glamorous, much of it isn’t. If you’re unhappy about something in your own life, work on making a change. It’s easy to ridicule, find fault and put down. Making cruel remarks and jokes is more a reflection on your own character than on theirs. Working on yourself and bringing out your deepest God-given gifts and sharing them with the world is much more difficult and challenging and scary, but if you do that, you are giving your best and that’s when you make a difference in this world.

Though I mourn his passing, I also celebrate the gift of creativity and artistic expression in the performing arts. I celebrate that those who risk and put themselves out there, like Michael did, in doing so, give me the courage to be back in touch with my most creative and expressive self and to continue to take that risk myself. I believe that we all have ways that we contribute and create in this life, and for each of us, that is unique. We each need to find our own way. Find your way and celebrate it.

I’d like to today, remember Michael Jackson for the artist that he was. For his amazing contributions to the music and entertainment world. For the incredible talents and gifts he shared and in doing so, how it touched many people’s lives. For his work as a humanitarian and for his unwavering ability to take a stand for what he believed and to share his heart and soul through his music, despite the condemnation and pain that sharing ultimately caused. Rest in peace Michael, and thank you for the inspiration and for showing me, and reminding me, of the dance that still goes on inside and how to bring that dancer’s spirit out, have fun, and celebrate life.